say you're sorry;

When are you going to grow up. When are you going to man up. When are you going to own up to everything. To lying. To leading me on. When are you going to give me a straight forward answer. Just tell me. Do you want to be with me or not because I'm tired of sitting here and asking myself that over and over again. It's simple. Do you like me or not? Do you want to be with me or not? Just answer the god damn question already because I'm bored of it. I believed in you. Everyone told me "don't get involved with him" "he's a player" "he'll make you think he likes you and then stop talking to you". And I wanted you to prove them wrong so badly. Not just for me. But for yourself too. When are you going to start taking yourself seriously. Because until then, no one will. I could sit around and make up scenarios of how perfect everything would be if we were together. How well it would work out. How well we could make it work out. But quite frankly; it's getting old. And I'm done pretending. The thing that killing me is that I normally get what I want... but no matter what I can't have you. Atleast not all of you.

Let's be straight forward;

I've realized that no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm over it, I'm really not. So whenever I tell myself "I'm over it", I kind of silently laugh at myself. Because who am I kidding? I'll never be fully over it until I know for a fact that everything wasn't really. That he didn't or doesn't feel the same way I do. My dilemma; getting him to be serious and realize that his man whore days are over. He still thinks that he can be a little skeez bag but not sir! Not with me. Because I'm done with those kinds of guys. The things he says throw me off too. "You might get something else but I don't know yet". That could be so many things. A ring. A high five. A hug. Him. An elbow to the face. I could go on for days.

I never said I'd lie and wait forever;

The truth is, I might just wait forever. But will you? The more I talk to him, the more I feel like I'm handing myself over to him. He makes everything feel so..wrong. So right... Right? A few weeks ago everything was untangled. Solved. Figured out. Now, I'm back to day one. Confused. Lost. Unsure. So unsure that it makes me sick. Physically and mentally. I'm sick of being lied to. I'm sick of him not returning my phone calls. I'm sick of him getting in trouble. I'm sick of not knowing what's happening with me and him. I really don't know. I don't know if we're talking..or if we're just friends. I don't know because he's just as unsure as I am. Get it together Marine and show me...show me that I'm not wasting my time. As a mater of fact show yourself, because I already know what my intentions are..do you? That's right. You don't. Because you don't take the time out to figure it out. Just listen for two seconds. Snap out of it. Stop being a little boy and man up. Because the last thing I need right now is a little boy to lead me down the wrong road. I've got everything I need right now..everything I could ask for. I've got it all figured out. It was breeze. A cinch. I can look at someone, talk to them for a few minutes, and know how to tear them down. How to build them up. How to help them. How to save them. What it would take to save them. Where they're going. Where they never want to go...but the second I hear your voice, the second you say one thing to me..it sounds like a lie. Not a lie, but not the full truth. Like you're putting up this gigantic wall. And for what? To keep me out? To keep yourself in? To lock yourself in so tight that no one can get to you? Let me in. Please let me in. Because I may say I could wait for forever..but I say a lot of things... Let me in before you have to leave. Because once you leave, you may never come home. You may never have the chance to let anyone in ever again.

I've been having second thoughts;

I’m not a baby. I’m not too young. I’m quite mature for my age..or so I’ve been told. I have my momments where I act like a child. Throw a fit to get my way. Pout. Cry. Laugh. Run around. Act ridiculous. Regardless, I don’t believe there should be an age limit on anything (most things). “You’re to young to: date him, get married, fall in love, stay home alone, take the car out for the night” the list could go on forever until I typed my fingers to a bloody stub. The point is who are you to tell me that based on my age I’m not capable of doing something. I’ll tell you who; you’re nobody. So get out of my way. I’m 16, and I’m going to do what I thinks best for me… now excuse me while I go rob a bank.

Don't judge me; I'll be the judge of that.

quite Frankly; I’d like to meet the man behind the uniform. I want you to be able to open up to me. I want to be the one you come to when you need someone to talk to. When something good happens to you. When you can’t take anymore. When your don’t feel like talking. When you have so much to tell me you don’t know where to start. When you miss me. When you’re angry at the world; at anyone. I want to know you more then I do now. Tell me your dreams, tell me your biggest fears, tell me about the time when you were young and you ran away from home, tell me where you wanna go…where you’re going. Because that’s where I want to be.

So I pulled the plug.

I cried today. It's dark out. Rainy..perfect days for crying. I was sitting thinking to myself about everything. Mostly Frank. Thoughts kept coming into my head "what if I'm not the only one" "what if the reason he doesn't call me is because he's on the phone with someone else" "what if the only time I run through his mind is when I'm on the phone with him or I text him". That last one I thought about for a while. I'm sitting here in Florida. Head over heals. Completely crazy about this kid, and I can't confirm in my head that he thinks about me ever. Not a second of the day goes by when he's not the main topic in my head. That or he's runner up. 24/7. All the time. Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank. This is becoming a problem for me...should it be. Am I doing that thing again where I think to much? I do that a lot. To much actually. Freeing my mind in the form of doodles. A few things I need to fix: I always text him first in fear that he won't text me. And I'd rather look desperate and/or obsessed then not talk to him at all. Another common thought that runs through my head is "what if he doesn't make it home"...and then I snap out of it before I let that thought crawl deep in my head and consume my brain and everything else in there. It's done it many a time before.

I miss the pull of your heart.

I roll over, stretch, open my eyes...and he's laying next to me. Right there. I didn't believe it. I touch his face...he's there. It's him. I go to say something, but nothing comes out. He smiles. And kisses me. I get closer to him. My heads on his chest. Taking in what I can, while I can. Remembering what it feels like to be with him. His smell. The way he tastes. His smile. The way his eyes look at me. The way his hands hold me. I run my finger over the tattoo on him arm. Then the one on his chest. My hearts in my throat. My breathing is steady. He puts his hand under my chin and lifts my head until I'm looking into his eyes. He kisses me again. He flips me over and he's laying on top of me. He pushes himself up and kisses me again. And again.. and some more. He rolls over next to me. We're laying face to face. I go to say something again, and he puts his finger to my lip, chuckles, and kisses me again. I, once again, put my head on his chest. I fall asleep for a few minutes. Then I go to grab my phone..it's his ring tone. I open it to make the ringing stop and throw it aside. I roll over, stretch, open my eyes...and he's gone. "I hate that I can't be with you when I want too. I miss you babe" Sometimes I think they do it on purpose. My dreams. To show me what I could have. To show me what life would be like if he didn't have to be away. It felt so real though. I really could feel him under me. I really could smell him. I could taste him. Fell the warmth of his breath. The warmth of his touch. It was all there, but he wasn't. I'm happy that I can have dreams like this. Dreams that make reality a joke. But whenever I roll over, stretch, and open my eyes...I want him to really be there.

I kiss things; it's a hobby of mine

I know it's kinda sloppy, but that's the only way I could get it to work. I just thought I'd point out to people that I have a weird and inappropriate addiction to kissing animals, and inanimate objects. I wonder if they have therapy for it? If they do, I don't want it.

Complicate your world, not mine.

Today I feel very creative. Very renewed. It could be the fact that I'm free. Finally. Or maybe it's that I've been up since six and I'm not the least bit tired. That or maybe it's because all the jumble and mix up in my head is untangled. For the first time in a long time everything seems okay. My mind is trying to occupy it's self by thinking of something..anything that's wrong and it's having a hard time finding something. Making me a little uneasy today. Kind of jumpy. A little spastic. But that's okay. I'd also like to note that I have everyone in my life that I need right now. I have my friends (the important ones), my family, and Frank. It's nice just talking to him. Not 'dating' him. Or making it official. Giving it a title. Titles just complicate things and the last thing I want right now is any more complications.

Break down when I break things off.

So today I finally broke things off with Joe. And I don't say 'finally' lightly. I've been waiting to do this for a couple weeks now and I can't stop..sorry for the interruption and break off the flow of things but I'd just like to point out that I cannot stand my fucking mother when she drinks. She turns into this babbling idiot that asks you the same question over and over again. Not only is that annoying as fucking shit but she also thinks it's cool to act like a hard ass and I'm the only one who doesn't play along with it. She's so fucking stupid. How the fuck old are you and you can't hold your liquor? Honestly. Grow the fuck up. Ahem. I lost my train of thought. So like I was saying; before I broke up with him I was really nervous. Trying not to be to nice or too mean so he wouldn't suspect anything but it wouldn't be a shock to him whenever I did it. It went really well actually. So now more complaining about that or him or anything. I'm fine. Me and Frank are good. Besides that fact that he's sick. The kids got strep throat and pneumonia and he refuses to go to the doctors to get medicine but he's not allowed to take a day off because he's a Marine and they don't let you. Besides that; things are finally good. I can finally go to school without having to kiss someone and wish it was someone else. I can finally sit with who I want at lunch without being questioned about it later. I can finally say "we're over" and mean it and not wish that I had the audacity to break up with him but couldn't because I care to much about his feelings. Instead, he looked really uncomfortable, laughed, smiled, said a few dumb things, and walked away. Is it bad that I wanted a bigger more dramatic reaction out of him? Now I care about my feelings and as selfish as this may sound; I'd much rather be the one happy. Deal with it.

oh sailor man; won't you take my hand.

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me?

Whenever I get nervous, I bite the inside of my lip until it bleeds. I hate the taste of blood. I don't even notice I'm doing it until later when I run my tongue along the inside of my lip and it's all tore up. The whole time I was on the phone with Frank last night my lip was bleeding. We talked. He called me an asshole for telling Danielle. I asked why. He said because. He kept saying this until I finally forced it outta him. And then he said "because we have a thing". I was silent. After he realized what he said he immediately came back with "No, not like that asshole". And then he told me that he's known Danielle and Mark since he was little, and he tells Danielle and Mark everything. And that he feels like she's gonna feel like he's keeping things from her because I told her about us. Whenever he said 'us', I didn't even care anymore. Everything that I was mad about just went away. Everything's fine now. He said he was gonna text me today. Of course he didn't but I don't care. As long as he calls me or something by the end of the day..that's all I need. And I really do like him. Once again, I'm not in love with him. Just in like with him. I am in deep like with Frank. I contradict myself so much. If you follow my blog and look at previous posts, it clearly states that I am in love with him. I'd just to like to re-assure my readers that I am not in love with him. Yet..

My mind is decaying; slowly but shirley

I think I lost him completely. Maybe karma really does exist. Me and Frank were supposed to work out. We were supposed to be perfect. And now I feel everything but perfect. I haven't talked to him at all. He told Danielle that I'm 'too young'. Which is ultimately BULL SHIT on a counta he was the one who told me over and over that age doesn't matter. That no one could find out about us because he could get in trouble but he didn't care. And now that all of the sudden he cares, I care. And I believe I'm losing it. I'm not happy. I spend my whole day thinking about him. There's not one second where I don't. In class, out of class, walking to and from class, at lunch, when I'm with my friends, when I'm with Joe. And speaking of Joe, I'm done. Tomorrow it's off. I can't do this anymore. He's just dumb and needs to grow up and that's that. I don't even care about that. At all. I'm just driving myself absolutely crazy thinking about the whole Frank thing. I just sit. Blank out. And just let the worse possible thoughts come to my head. "Maybe he hates me" "He's probably annoyed" "How am I too young but Danielle's not" "Why isn't he calling me" And quite frankly (no pun intended) I don't want myself to care. But I can't help it. I care so much that it's taking me to a place in my mind that I've never been too. I need someone to rescue me. And this looks like a job fit for a Marine.

The few. The proud. The Marines.

So he left. He meaning Frank. And if you follow my blog at all you would've known what I meant by "him". Right now he's in Kentucky. BOO! And he text Danielle and said "hey Danielle, do you think it'd work out to have a girlfriend with the circumstances I'm in. Not you just a girl in general"...or something along the lines of that. Danielle swears he's talking about me. I swear he's talking about some otha hoe he has on the side...who knows? He does. Danielle's gonna find out for me because she's a good friend. And then she's gonna tell me. I'm getting annoyed with Pete. I feel bad saying that but I am. He just acts like a little kid. And so do I sometimes, but that's just for fun. It's like whenever he's around me he switched from mature to immature like that. Me and Daniielle both noticed it. I feel really close wth her now that I told her what all was going on. I miss him, I want him to come back home. Soon enough though. Not soon enough at all actually. This is a tricky predicament I'm in. I'm gonna get out, but I'm not gonna get away from him. I already know so. How? It says so in our horoscopes...

He's leavin tomorrow, I'll survive.

I know, weird. Second post in a day. But I felt like talking about Frank having to leave. So tomorrow he leaves. I was actually with him once, last night. And now he's leaving until June. And I don't think it's fair. He comes, he leaves. We see each other once, and he already has to go. It's not that I think he's "the one" but for now things seem pretty good. He's just the right amount of asshole-ness and, being nice to me. He's the un-perfect gentleman. And that's what I've been looking for. Nice to talk to, good to look at, clean cut to a point, can french inhale with the best of em', calls me mean names but doesn't mean it, throws me around like I weigh close to nothing, has the hottest tattoo's, tastes good, pays attention to little things, and last but not least is a Marine. And anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a sucker for a man in uniform. Especially if that uniform includes a very nice hat. Maybe he'll come home sooner then later. All I know is I want him with me tonight..I'll survive without him..for now.

I'm afraid I have to go.

The Marine came over last night..it was everything I could have hoped for and more. I still have a boyfriend. Do I feel guilty? Not at all. Am I breaking up with my boyfriend? A soon as possible. Will me and Frank date? I'm not entirely sure, but I'm happy. I'll be happier without him. I feel like he's holding me back from being entirely me. So this is probably the last time you'll hear of him. So as I was saying, Frank came over last night. My parents weren't home so we went into my room and he threw me on my bed and we started making out. And that's basically it. Him throwing me around, us kissing. And it felt so right. Not forced. Not awkward. Just like it should be. He leaves tomorrow. I haven't really talked to him much about everything. Like us, or what's going to happen. But for right now I'm okay with that. I still have the rising suspicion that I'm not the only girl he's talking to. And that bothers me because I'm a selfish person and when someones mine and I really want someone, I really want them...all to myself. On a better note I've found a few new songs that I'm obsessed with. They're pretty good. But besides that. I told Danielle about Frank too. She was surprisingly happy about it. That makes me a lot more sure of everything. Now I'm babbling.

Secrets Don't Make Friends;

Yesterday I was sitting at my house, and out of no where I got extremely depressed. To a point that I didn't even feel like I was living. And I know that sounds dumb but I just felt like I was going through the motions. So I went on the computer and I was looking through some postcards from post secrets, because I have a sick and twisted addiction to them, and then I stumbled upon one that really got to me. I know this kid, his names Frank, I've talked about him in the post before, and he's a Marine. He's home now and he leaves to go back to base February 23 and then go to Afghanistan. The postcard said "I signed up to go to Afghanistan because I know I won't make it back. I don't know how to tell my mom." Immediately after reading it I broke down. It finally hit me that he's really leaving, and that I might not ever see him again. The more I think about it, and the more I talk to him..the more I fall in love with him. He's the complete opposite of me. Strong willed, confident. And yet we're so much the same. Quirky, sarcastic. There's to many to even name. He brings out the best in me and I'd be lost if he were gone. It all started off because we messed around and that's all that it was supposed to be. But now, I feel more and more attached to him everyday. Every night I'll pray for his safe return home.
He always tells me he'll come home, it just might be in a box or two. Always in a joking tone too, never serious. Until last night when I told him about the postcard and he then realized why I am the way I am. I'm so afraid to lose him. After we got off the phone and texted me "If I die, will you still remember me?" After this, again, I broke down. I'm in love with you Frank. You make me unbelievably happy. I'm just afraid that if you leave, you won't come home. And then we'll never have the chance to fall in love.
I just hope my boyfriend doesn't find out about Frank. The same goes for Frank about my boyfriend.

Well she craves attention, so I use protection;

It's been a while since I've actually sat down and tried to do one of these things so..here goes nothing. I;m feeling less and less like people like me everday. And the more I try, the more they don't. I feel like whenever I try to actually like someone, they always let me down. I understand it's hard to keep me on my toes, I get it. I understand I'm a little hard to please, but can't you just try? Is that to much to ask for. It's the little things that really hook me. I also think there's a chance that I might be in love with a Marine. Maybe not in love, but...infatuated. The more I talk to him, the more hooked I get. He's such an asshole, but a gentleman all at the same time. But I have a boyfriend..of a month. Exactly a month today actually.Hm; and this all breaks down into my ability to be able to not be interested in someone but want them for myself all at the same time. Also, just yesterday, I got my phone back. I'm grounded and my mom thought it'd be funny to take everything away from me. Ha! Hilarious. So I got that back and Tion told Joe, my boyfriend, that I got my phone back..and he hasn't called me. However, The Marine texts me non-stop and begs me to hang out with him. Maybe it's just because whenever I did hang out with him..we couldn't keep our hands off each other. It's not my fault that we're both ridiculously attracted to each other. The more I think about it the more it bothers me. Yes, I get it. The Marine is only making an attempt at seeing me because he thinks that what happened before, will happen again. But it just upsets me that my boyfriend hasn't even thought to call me. Not to mention I have a really large head ache and I took medicine and it made it worse. Wonderful. I've just realized all I've done so far is compaining. That's really the only important thing I have to say though. Nothing else seems like it matters. More complaining..some other time.